Everybody has been super excited about my match. Its a blessing to have so much enthusiasm BUT hard to share it. Yes, that is absolutely ungrateful and pessimistic. Trust me when I say I am happy to have such a good match and I'm excited about my potential future without this condition.
Two things hold me back though....fear of the known and fear of the unknown.
I know this is going to be hard. I've been through enough chemo treatments to know that it's not fun. I expect this to be ten-fold of my prior experiences. I know all the potential complications: infections, organ damage, host vs. graft disease, allergic reactions, depression, chemo brain etc. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. And I know that I'm a bad patient...non-compliant is the term. Non-compliant and on high doses of steroids. Oh, how I pity the nurses!
At the same time, I don't know which battles I will have to fight. I simply have to prepare for them all and just wait and see. Not easy for a control freak.
Sometimes I doubt my stamina to get through the hurdles. Previously, I have gotten depressed enough in the hospital to stop eating and I refused treatment. But I one thing I have learned, just when I think I'm not strong enough, I manage to pull from deeper within me.
One of the big things is, that it's hard to imagine my life after transplant. Aplastic anemia has been with me for almost half my life. Its hard to remember life before treatments, transfusions and this condition. But one image that sticks with me, for some unknown reason, is the feeling of running on a soccer pitch. Coming away with big Bertha bruises because I was such a enthusiastic defense player. I'd like to feel that energy again, that ability to chase a ball....just because I can.
I'm starting a bucket list for post-transplant. Hopefully this will encourage me though some of the hard times. I would like to weight lift again, get the tattoo I've always wanted, get on a plane and go away, ride a bicycle and tear up my blood requisitions. I'm going to continue the list as I go along....the sky is the limit, right? When I asked Madeleine what she wanted to go on the bucket list, she added skating. That's good. I love skating. I know she will add beach trips and swimming and playing in the park....all good.
But what will make the biggest difference, is all of my cheerleaders. And there are so many!!! David leads the pack and I am carried up by their love and support. Even though there are times when I'm scared, especially late at night, I know everything will be ok; hard maybe, but definitely ok.
Signing off with lots of love, hugs and kisses,
E
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