I did end up asking for extra steroids because of my past experience with horse ATG and dinner plate hives. The doctor agreed though he did not think it necessary. The day was mostly uneventful except for me being a complete chatterbug and super loaded with energy. Typical steroid high.
Unfortunately, I began to crash around 5 p.m. I was exhausted from lack of sleep and some steroids were coming out of my system. David stepped out of the room and I closed my eyes for only a moment and the steroid dreams started.
From my own past experience, steroid dreams are mixed up and crazy and very vivid. From what I understand, it's because the brain can't shut down properly. There were many nights before I couldn't sleep at all. There are lovely drugs for that, but I digress.
These were different from anything I had ever experienced: terrifying and extremely gory and uncontrollable. I would close my eyes and the images were there. Images that no brain should ever be able to come up with. By the time David was back I was in hysterics. I couldn't cope at all. I didn't want to sleep and I had another dose of steroids mandatory in three hours.
Long story short, anxiety meds were ordered but there was some emergency in the ward and it was many hours later before they were available. By that time, I had new steroids on board and David stayed with me while I tried to rest. I didn't end up needing them. What worked like a charm was a meditation trick that a wonderful counsellor once taught me. I was able to control the dreams until they no longer had any effect on my fear level. I was able to finally sleep.
This is very personal to share, especially as I now do not know most of my readership now. But I decided to share for two reasons. One, the compounding effect of drugs on a system. I've dealt with many drugs over the years but I do not remember this kind of intense effect on me. It gives me a renewed respect for how potent these things can be.
And second, I have long dealt with anxiety and fear as you may have gathered from my previous posts. Aided by the cocktail of chemo and drugs, last night was as fearful as I've been since since I thought death was knocking at my door two years ago.
But, I stand on the other side of it once again knowing that fear is but shadows. And the shadows no matter how gory or real feeling, can be walked through. We made need tools, maybe some talk, and medicine relief. But we can get through fear and anxiety and we don't have to be ashamed.
Tomorrow morning is more ATG with LESS steroids and irradiation as well. And yes I will be taking the recommended Ativan with the irradiation. So I expect to enjoy my music with Ativan induced sleepiness of Bermuda beaches while I lie in my awesome gel pack box. Pics to come.
To leave you on a happier note, here is a picture of lovely Ghalia, my nurse, and I before ATG. Bunny ears intended.
No comments:
Post a Comment