New York

The funding for New York has been turned down on the basis of it being experimental.  It's not really experimental but its in a clinical trial, hence falls under that category.

Before anyone gets too excited, I'm relieved.  I spent a lot of time in contemplation and prayer yesterday searching for an answer.  As my mother said, it is a most terrible decision to make.  My guts strongly told me not to go to New York. But I needed to be sure its wasn't just me.

  For most, the answer is clear, go do what will give you life.  But the reality is not so simple.  I had deep worries about my mental, emotional and physical ability to handle the trip, I have ethical concerns about the trial, and I had to consider what was best for my family.

The denial of funding was a clear no for me.  I feel at peace now.

So what now?

We will prepare for end of life at home and we work towards life.

Aunt Linda is here and with my family, we are going to work on the things we can: nutrition, excerise, and enjoying my days instead of struggling through them.

The doctors are going to try to increase my blood counts to give me a better chance for my body to fight the lymphoma and potentially do more chemo.

I am creating supports that will allow me to do the things I really want:

I want to snuggle into warm blankets and laugh at silly movies with my family.  I want to watch the leaves changing colours and feel the crisp fall air on my skin and the warm sun on my head.  I want to watch the snowfall on Whyte Ave with a latte and my journal. I want to laugh with friends.  I want to make gooey cinnamon buns. I want to fall asleep with the arms of my best friend and husband around me.

These are my dying wishes but they are my living wishes too.  Because no matter if I live months or years, these are the things I love.

Along time ago, I posted a Taoist proverb "The journey is the reward". This has taken on a very different meaning for me.  As I look potentially to the end of my time, the awareness of my journey and my time here now is my reward.  The ability to enjoy each step, create new memories with joy and laughter, to really step into the moment.  If you knew you wouldn't see the leaves change again, wouldn't you rest your eyes on them a little longer?  Or let the embrace of a loved one go on just that second longer?

I am at peace and I am happy.  My life is opened back up to phone calls and visitors, so don't hesitate

It is difficult to write a blog when you have no idea who is reading it.  I would like to ask is if you can leave a comment here just letting me know.  I have shared a most difficult part of my life on this blog, thank you for continuing to care and read.