The Easter Season

David and I were looking at our calendar preparing for the transplant when we realized that my transplant coincides with the Easter season. I will be starting chemotherapy on Good Friday and get my transplant soon after Easter.  David said its nice symbolism for my journey and I agree.  Chemotherapy is a little death and the transplant is new life.  My preparations for the procedure, a Lenten season.

Even though I am a cradle Catholic, I have never observed Lent very well in the past.  But this year, it is fitting to do so.  Traditionally, Christians have given up things for Lent in preparation for Easter.  While I can't fast in the traditional way, I have decided to give up fear for Lent.

Fear has been a big part of my life, much of it surrounding my medical condition.  I remember vividly reading the information pamphlets on Aplastic Anemia at age 19 and thinking "Now I know how I will die."  There was a lot of fear when my son was dying a slow death inside of me because my body was in a state of crisis with the pregnancy.  Fear after Aidan passed, that I had failed to do more for him and protect him as a mother should.  Fear of side effects from treatments, fear of death when I had massive allergic reactions, fear of losing control. Now I am afraid of the transplant, the accompanying discomfort and sickness.  I'm afraid of everything that could go wrong.  And bizarrely, afraid that I won't make the most of my new life and new beginning when it's all over.

But fear produces nothing productive in my life, never has.  I've learned in the past two years that the only way not to be afraid is to walk through the fear.  To resign to what will be; "Let go and let God."

At my blood transfusion yesterday, my nurse (who has known me for years) told me I was brave.  It surprised me and pleased me.  Her comment reminded me of "The Little Engine That Could".  So instead of submitting to fear, anxiety and doubt, my mantra for the next 40 odd days will be "I think I can, I think I can..."