Elizabeth in Wonderland

Tonight I had a strange, Alice in Wonderland experience.

My GI tract pain was rearing its ugly head last night.  I was using more morphine through a PCA than I normally would at night.  Not sleeping is starting to get to me and I wanted to make sure that I was feeling good for tomorrow morning.  Morphine also has a natural drowsing affect on the body.

I drifted off tonight with help from the extra morphone and gravol which was hung by IV while I slept.  About an hour and one half later, I was sitting up in bed, crying, while mentally adding up the details of my life. I had forgotten who I was.

In my morphine dreams, I was very clearing  waiting for someone.  There was a lot of pink. As I was waiting. I kept nodding off, returning in a dream to a hospital room.  I sat up in my dream and wondered who I was and why i was in this prison room in my dreams.

  And then it for a few moments. I could not have honestly told you which reality was my own and which the dream.

 It was frightening to say the least.  I even had to check my phones calendar for events that would prove which one was real.

Then it dawned on me that I could be losing my sanity.  That these chemo drugs might be damaging my brain, changing me or that the stress would send my mental health coping abilities into a spiral.

My lovely night nurse (who has been with me for a while now) said these dreams are not uncommon.  The combination of lack of sleep and the higher doses of drugs were giving me intenes dreams.  Knowing me of course, I had to confirm all this online.

So I'm thankful once again to know my mental health is in tact and have gained a renewed respect for drugs and the sensitivity of my body.

Elizabeth in Wonderland  is happy to awaken, even though not under a tree.  And so is that person from my dreams.  I was not pleased having to wait so long .

Hugs and love,
E