Today we are celebrating Day 50!
Halfway through (maybe more) this transplant process. Its a celebration with mixed feelings.
50 more days of being in Calgary away from my family is a hard prospect to face. I miss them terribly; they are my life. It is especially hard now because Madeleine is missing me a lot and David is very tired from not having any days to rest. I feel helpless to help them from here other than bringing Madeleine down as much as I can and not letting David come down so he can rest.
I am also facing some potential graft vs. Host issues. We are not sure what the issue is but next week, the testing will likely begin. I worry, of course, and wonder if I'm going to have to face the ill effects long term.
My emotional coping resources feel like they are dried up now. I spend a lot if time crying over things that I shouldn't. Mom has been extremely supportive. The nurse said that this is normal and there is nothing that can be done but live day by day, hour by hour.
On the brighter sqide if the coin, it is my hope that we celebrate the worst behind us. It has been a long and wild ride BUT I have bone marrow and two of the three bloodlines are holding their own. That means less likelihood of infection and I haven't needed a red blood transfusion in some time. Its a bright future and somewhere out there, is a person who gave me that future. I hope they feel my gratitude.
Also, we celebrate the incredible generosity of the family who has given us this amazing apartment by the river to live in for free. The family does this for multiple families just as a way to give back. We will never be able to repay their kindness. All they ask is that we pay it forward to someone else.
And lastly, I celebrate how incredibly blessed I am to be surrounded by supportive family and friends. I truly would not be celebrating today without all the caregiving, love and sacrifice that has been made by these people.
This journey is a mixed bag. I think all journeys are. There are things I still have to learn (can anyone say PATIENCE) and there are lessons I've got (quite a few). Some days are brilliant and I feel on top if the world. Some days, I want to curl up and let someone wake me up at the end of 100 days. But I can only trust that this journey will bring me home whole: body, soul and mind. I can only trust that there is another journey waiting for me beyond this one. So here is to 50 days fought through, laughed through and cried through!
All my love,
E
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