One of the things I struggle with is focusing too much on things , particularly if they are negative. I do this to the exclusion of everything else an sometimes I land in a downward spiral of negativity and unhappiness.
Yesterday for example, I was sitting at the hospital waiting for the doctor, ruminating heavily on my high heart rate and my falling blood counts. I was tense and unhappy. The thoughts "maybe a I heart disease", " maybe I have graft failure" along with others, kept circling like vultures.
Trying to distract myself with a book, I came across an idea that I wanted to share. When his children are worried or distressed, the author of the book plays the game "100 things I'm happy for" with them. Much like counting your blessings, its a way to gain perspective on a situation. Even though things may not being going well, there are many things that are. We can't get so narrowly focused on our problems that we forget all the wonderful things. The author had listed out some things he was grateful for including sarcastic and funny ones.
I decided to give it a try:
I am thankful to have David, who is supportive and loving. I get to marry this fantastic man and share my life and family with him.
I am thankful for Madeleine, for the joy and lessons she brings. For how well she is doing despite the stress.
I am thankful for my family who have given up so much to be here caring for me.
I am thankful not to be in the hospital. That I'm alive and made it this far.
I'm thankful that I'm engrafted, that I'm on the other side of transplant. I'm glad that so far I don't have GVHD.
I'm thankful for the continued support of my friends. I'm not alone and so many people care. I matter.
And thw list went on. I didn't get to 100 before I felt better. Yes I still didn't know the answers to issues I came in with but I was reminded about how much has gone right. A little tool but an effective one.
Update to health:
I was able to see both my transplant and the unit doctor yesterday. As I mentioned above, I have been worried about my blood counts. The platelets aren't holding their own yet, my white blood count has been falling from 5.0 down to 1.5 over the week and while I got a nice boost in red blood cells, they are also falling.
My concern has been graft failure. Graft failure occurs when there wasn't enough stem cell material infused so the graft cannot get going. It is marked by rising and sharp falls of blood counts. Both of my doctors reassured me this is not the case.
My response to an injection called GCSF has shown that the cells are working. My injections have been getting progressively further apart which is a good sign.
One of the frustrating things of transplanting Aplastic Anemics is how slowly the counts come up. I knew it took longer but not this long. This transplant is God's way of trying to teach me patience. David said he would buy me some for Christmas. I asked for Christmas to come early!
The other issue is my heart rate. A week ago I was taken off my heart medication. The theory was that my heart was showing low-normal function and the med may be suppressing my platelet production. Since then my resting heart rate is 115 (normal is 60-100), and walking around I was up 130-170, very high. It was like I was exercising constantly. The doctor has put me onto a different medication now and we are hoping the problem is a passing one as my heart continues to heal from the ICU.
So in the end, all continues to be well. Minor hiccups along the way but I'm still alive and kicking. I will update in a few days as things change.
Hugs and love,
E
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