Redefining

I have been spending the last couple of days settling into the apartment.  Its been an interesting experience coming back to a home environment.  Almost like a rebuilding of ones self

There are many things that can start to take away your identity in an institutional setting.  In the hospital, most of the staff knew me by name but they were more likely to know me by room number.  I wore hospital gowns for quite a long time with none of my jewellery.  People didn't always knock and I once had a nurse follow me into the bathroom to adjust my iv meds.  I stopped caring about who saw me naked or what I looked like.  And with losing my hair and all the weight,  I don't always recognise myself as the woman who started this journey.

I didn't realise how deeply this ran until I was out and went to pick my outfit for the day.  I chose my beloved jeans and a T-shirt and sweater.  Looking in the mirror, my inside reaction was "Hey, that's a girl I know." Yesterday, we went to Target and I bought makeup and a tote bag.  Simply choosing something I liked was refreshing.  It feels like I'm rebuilding my self-image one accessory at a time. I think it's on the inside as well as the outside.

I almost get to choose who Elizabeth is going to be.

I wonder when I come back if people will recignize me.  Not my face or body though they have changed, but my spirit.  David said that he thought I sounded more like the old me.  I hope that's true but I hope also I will come home softer and wiser from this experience.  I hope as I rebuild myself, I can hold onto the best of what makes Elizabeth and let go of the rest.