Mom and I headed down early to Calgary. The doctors wanted me closer as I had a fever Monday night and the swelling on my neck keeps going up and down. I received the next infusion of Ritux, blood, platelets and finally, very late at night, I received the cellular boost. They received a good cell dose count so hopefully, those stem cells will fill up my bone marrow.
I found out why the doctors are so worried about the Epstein Barr virus. At my current viral levels, 40% of cases become lymphoma. I have some swollen glands and lymph nodes now which is causing nasty headaches and numbness on the side of my head. A CT scan was done and they found some in my lungs as well but those ones are small. If my counts keep climbing over four million, the percentage of lymphoma cases becomes 70%.
Ritux is the first line of defense as well as reducing immunosuppressive therapy. Both are being done.
Its difficult to think that after all this, I may have to face a cancer as well. So I believe my brain has decided to stop thinking. It's too much. I did have a cry yesterday but today I feel relatively calm and peaceful. I went out for a walk to enjoy the morning air. I read some, got ready for the day and later I will go get some new bedding. I'm generally taking the day slowly.
I think there is a sense of resignation, not giving up, mind you, but resignation. Shit will either happen or not happen. At this point, there is nothing I can do about it. We all have limited time on this planet. Whatever time I have left, decades...years...months, I don't want to regret not enjoying the time. I don't want to live my life in fear and anxiety.
The path in front of me has diverged into many possibilities. Only God knows which path I'll end up walking. May he walk beside me and keep me from harm.
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